Hot Dudes: What to Say to the Famous Ones.

Are you ever at work for 8 hours and all you are doing is folding t shirts and your mind goes in strange places? Mine does. Sometimes I am standing there folding your mens tees that will be messed up in like two minutes because guys like to play confetti with clothing and MESS UP MY HARD WORK and I think to myself "What would I say if (fill in the hot famous dudes name here) came in here." (occasionally famous dudes come into my store (dad from modern family)). So then my brain does this thing where it thinks of hilariously cute but strange things to say to this fill in the blank famous dude. Although I promise you I probably wouldn't say it.

Jo Gor Lev.

He would probably say "Where's your fitting room."
I would pretend not to notice how hot he is and then I'd probably throw up in my mouth a little bit but then swallow it. Then proceed to talk without really opening my mouth afraid he'd smell my breath.
"Oh hey weren't you in an episode of Roseanne? I think that was before I was born. I love Roseanne. Did you watch her roast on comedy central? OH WAIT! You were on ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD! I loved that part when the guy sat on those nachos, THAT WAS HILARIOUS! I laughed for days."
I probably in real life would just probably throw up and say nothing and shake and my face would be red. And then I would put him in a fitting room and mispronounce my name, "My name is Marl-swallow-Martla."

Guy from Blind Pilot


He would probably say something like "thanks for coming to the show".
And I would say, "Hey want to hear something funny? My sister has been in your bedroom. She's seen where you've slept. Interesting right?"
I actually was planning on saying this to him but the little butthole decided not to talk to fans after he opened for the opener at the shins. I would've said it too even though I was seriously bloated from all the beer I drank.

Robbie from Milo Greene 

I actually am not sure if that's his name it just looks like it on my SIGNED EP that I HAVE BECAUSE I HAVE TALKED TO HIM IN REAL LIFE AND I AM PRACTICING FOR THE NEXT TIME!
He will blink and then I will be blown away from his crazy long eyelashes but I will keep my cool. Keep it cool gal pal, keep it cool. Is what I will be thinking but really I'll be getting lost in his face staring at his insanely good looking eyebrows. Then I'll pretend that the last time I saw him I wasn't with my just mother and say, "So your song 1957, did you choose that year because that's the year John met Paul when John was performing with the Quarrymen at a talent show on July 6th, 1957? I mean that's gotta be one of the best years of music history," Beatles trivia, GURL YOU KILLED IT!
"You're so smart!" he'll say, "Can me and my really good looking band come celebrate your sisters birthday with you and get a little drunk and I can make out with you even though you have a billion Hanson posters in your bedroom."
(note to self maybe consider redecoration just in case I am as smooth as I am in my imagination).

This is what I hope I don't say but I sometimes have brain failure and maybe I'll get what I'm supposed to say with what I'm not supposed to say.
"My mom is over there, she was born in 1957, like your song. She wants me to marry you and got mad when I said I wanted to marry Paolo Nutini the other day. She's pretty cool probably one of my best friends. Ha also I put you on my hot dude blog. Yeah I have a blog that talks about hot guys, because I don't go out on Saturday nights but instead take pictures on instagram of the boring things I'm doing and then write about hot guys."
Please brain remember that is the WRONG THING TO SAY. 

Zac Efron 

You are probably wondering why I chose this picture and here's the reason, this could be proof that Zac Efron shops at Urban Outfitters, which is my working place, because we have that obey hat and also those pants look like a pair of CPO pants we have... so it's possible he could come into the Urban Outfitters I work at which means I might have to be in his presence.
  
I'm just going to be honest and say I think I should just hope in my imagination to just be conscience if I was close to him, not fainting would be an accomplishment. Although one time I SWEAR I saw him at the mall (it's possible because it was High School Musical era) lets just say that I was wearing a zebra turtle neck and really slippery silver shoes that I fell in the gutter with and I thank god I didn't say anything to him then BECAUSE lets all be honest here, he would've remembered me... not.  

Things I've said to Famous Hot Guyz. 


Hanson

"Hey don't step on that glass."
I said this after I heard a girl say there was glass. So pretty much I'm a hero to Zac Hanson's feet. SHIT YEAH!
Also This one time Taylor Hanson said, "After this mile you'll lose like five pounds" (I actually don't remember what he said exactly) but I said, not thinking he would hear me because I didn't realize famous people's ears could hear the frequency of average looking women, "I don't think that's true." Then he said something like how do you know? And then I started giggling like a deranged fool... Here's a video of that.

 The things I do for COMEDY I also think my throat is closing up on me... You'll understand.

The guy From You Me and Apollo.

"How do you spell your name?" he asked me.
"M.A.R.T.A just like how it sounds."
"Yeah that was how it sounds."
"It's okay my name is weird it's actually supposed to be spelled with an e but my mom spelled it the Mexican way" in my brain I was thinking Mexican way? Did that sound racist? Is Marta even a Mexican name, it's a spanish name but I said Mexican for some reason, I don't think I have ever told anyone my name is Mexican, why now? "I'm obviously not Mexican," Then I definitely felt weird and proceeded to ask him about his glasses because I wanted to change the subject.

Anyways.
Practice makes perfect everyone so practice your famous people conversation skills for such occasions as: traveling to hollywood, or Sundance film festival.

 
 

Hot Dudes: Super Heroes.

If there is anything a lady loves more than chocolate it's a hot bod in spandex. Something a straight woman never says, "Ugh another superhero movie? I hate seeing really beautiful manly and chiseled man in a tight outfit saving the shit of the city that would burn if he wasn't there."
Don't we all want a superhero? If you answered no then WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

Spider-man.

 Spider-man, the man who is remarkably like a spider. He once was a smarty pants weirdo. Roaming the halls like a nerd and getting bullied like a freak. Well double take, wait, what now? This dude gets a bit by a spider and wiggidy what WHAT? He can kick your ass to Kansas. Not only is he strong but he also has super sticky hands he is also hilarious.
"Wait is that a knife? How did you know my only weakness was small knives."
Anyways, here's more spandex pictures of Spider-man.

Sorry Toby Maguire you just don't make the cut, your Spider-man ness was less sexy and more awkward facial expressions.

Wolverine. 

Who knew that someone dressed in a wife beater and have really weird facial hair would be so GD sexy? I'm going to be honest and say nobody should ever try to attempt these things even if you have the muscles to match. It belongs on the fictional character. Also somehow his pure prickness makes him sexy as well. "Oh man he was being a total dick to me, I'm so turned on." (I've just now realized that that is how some people's brains work.. but it's supposed to be sarcastic.) Okay so really he is nice, because to be honest I probably wouldn't have saved Rouge, she's annoying and weird looking (sorry Anna Paquin don't worry you're a lot better looking now).

Thor.

Oh those locks. Oh those blue eyes that are framed by those lashes that could send his head into flight because they are so long. Oh those huge awesomely rugged muscles. It makes a uterus cry out "Put a baby in me you thunder god you!" There is never a time where he should have a shirt on... just sayin'

 You can thank google for that view. I'd walk through that desert to look at that bod, kidding, I wouldn't really because I am super white and don't do well in heat. Plus I'm not a stocker.

 Batman

Batman is definitely the richest of the heroes. So that's good. Although he plays the jerk pants he is actually the good dude and if you are good looking enough well then you will probably see that side of him. And don't be fooled by the creepy voice, he isn't a chain smoker, or maybe he is? I don't really know.

Ironman. 

 Kidding. Tony Stark is definitely the richest AND probably the wittiest AND probably the smartest AND probably as the most interesting facial hair. Plus I think his love story with Pepper is the cutest. The coolest thing about him is that he made himself a super human with his crazy heart contraption. (too be honest Batman isn't really super).


Anyways. Because there are no such things as super heroes, as far as we know, there are movies and google images.

Hot Dudes: The Dead Guys.

Sometimes I feel as if I am an old soul, falling for those who are dead. It's an unfortunate thing since I am very much alive (or just regular alive, very much alive would mean I'd be doing really interesting things and dating the dudes I speak about in my blog). We can't forget about the dead because they were still good looking dudes and just because they are six feet under doesn't mean they don't exist in the minds of those who lust over good looking dudes.

Gene Kelly.
Man, more men should wear sweaters like this, 4 real, take my gd advice and do it.

 Awe Gene Kelly, I once wrote a poem about a girl being sad that he was dead because she was deeply in love with him but she was seven and didn't realize that he was no longer alive. Yeah that wasn't me because I knew he was dead for a long time... Some people may be turned off by his singing dancing ways but those people need to turn the switch back on. Look at that face, and watch the pirate to see his hot bod (yeah he's wearing hot pants in this movie but he's a pirate which is manly so it counteracts it. And I for one don't mind the hot pants because of the muscles that are revealed).

For all we know a shark bit off the rest of his pants.

Heath Ledger.

 It might be too soon to talk about him because he didn't die that long ago and we all saw him as alive, and he died so young. But he's the Australian that tugged on our heart strings when he played that sexy knight who danced to modern music even though it was in medieval times (that part of the knights tale was so weird to me that's why I am speaking of it now in this blog post... did anyone else get bothered by that?).  He occasionally played the weird looking ugly guy, but somehow his dashing good looks were not hidden, you still found yourself attracted to him. We love you sir hottie hot hot.

Paul Newman. 

Do you ever find yourself walking down the dressings isle and you are like which salad dressing should I get? Then you always go for the Paul Newman... if you don't know about salad dressings (like me) you go for the most attractive one.

 I think Paul Newman is the definition of the phrase "those blue eyes are burning my soul" I don't know if that is a phrase people use, but I use it.

James Dean.

Ever wonder why women go after the bad boy? It's because of James Dean, 100% hands down the reason. When a lady sees a dude with a motorcycle and a ciggy in mouth and a bad ass attitude we all picture James Dean. Then we realize that they aren't James Dean and that smoking causes cancer and when you ride motorcycles sometimes you have a rat tail and that bad ass attitude sometimes gets you murdered... but then again, if he looked like James Dean I would date him.


Yes these guys are dead but if there was a time machine, I know that we would all go back in time and save James Dean's and Heath Ledger's lives and then force them to marry us because we saved them..... and for the ones who died from being old, well we would've taken advantage of their youngness and perhaps spend the rest of their lives with them.