Hot Dudes: Why your girlfriend hates you.

No matter what a girl says to you, what she wants is you to be a Nicholas Spark's character. This dude must have like a secret vagina because he knows exactly what a romantic woman wants (and unromantic women, because women are romantic and if they say otherwise they are liars or just have a hormonal imbalance.) What makes a Nicholas Sparks character?

#1 You must have a hot body

I never thought I'd be into butt cleavage, but it's official, I am. Bow chica wow wow! Am I right?

He looks so slippery, and so ab having...

New Movie alert! Safe Haven... also hot bod. Woo Woo!

#2 Always be doing this

(I've never actually seen this movie because I don't like watching old people doing it)

#Say absurdly romantic things while possibly being teary eyed

Although it's not possible to be kissed every second of every day, I would do it if zac efron was my man candy. Dear lord, I would.

He's so tall and nice looking. Also always use that line "You're not like other girls" perf.

Dear lord, This is why us ladies hate our boyfriends because they don't say things like this. RYAN GOSLING FOR REAL STOP RUING OUR LIVES!

So if you want your girlfriend to like you, either don't ever let her watch any of these movies, or perhaps take a note from Nicholas Sparks. I think I'm going to have a long night of Nicholas Sparks movie watching, seriously, this shit is good.

Hot Dudes: Hot Docs

You know those times when your uterus implodes because it knows it will never be impregnated by either Zac Efron or Ryan Goslings' babies and then you're rushed into the emergency room for false imploding uterus scenario and all you are thinking is "At least there will be Dr. McDreamy or Steamy to operate on me. Turns out all doctors are not hot. TELEVISION YOU RUIN OUR LIVES!
So here's list of hot docs that television tricks us into thinking maybe were based off a real life hotties. (the likelihood of this is a severe hell to the no, (has anyone ever seen a hot doctor? (for real?))).

George Clooney aka Dr. Doug Ross

 To be honest all I remember about about ER is when Dr. Green has brain cancer and he sticks out his tongue and it's crooked and his CANCER RETURNS and then he dies in Hawaii to the song "somewhere over the rainbow".
Anyways everyone thinks George Clooney is hot (all I see is a Ceasar haircut and droop eyes)(not even the eyebrows turn me on) Okay he's good looking but I don't want him to fill my uterus.

Jesse Spencer aka Dr. Robert Chase

Hello British accent! Hello smartie to the pants. He discovers strange illness like how those one people who were half siblings and didn't know it and were banging and making each other sick... that episode had Phil of the future guy Oh he's hot:

See hot (he's not a doctor but I'd forget if I didn't post about his hottness)

Martin Henderson aka Dr. Ben Keeton

Hello New Zealand accent! Hello Dimples! Hello Doctor in a crazy jungle. They don't even have to wear scrubs in the jungle just really tight shirts that hug all the right places aka pecs and abs. Yay! Sure he has a wife in a coma who is paying for the jungle hospital and is dating a dying mistress, but that's all for kicks and giggles he also gets down to serious doctor business, I think... I don't really remember the doctor stuff in that show. That's probably why it got canceled.

Chris Messina aka Dr. Danny Castelano

 I have like a weird HUGE ATTRACTION to this guy. Perhaps it's because on The Mindy Project he had some serious dance moves. And he's just adorable. He has weirdly attractive lips that are awesome.

Patrick Dempsy aka Derek Shepherd aka Dr. McDreamy

 So this isn't really a real doctor picture because he isn't scrubs but hey he looks good. He has this gaze... it's like he is staring into your soul and caring:

See what I mean, he cares. HE CARES! Plus he has that wavy curly god like hair. And stubble, good old stubble. And then he works on brains, which seem really hard and if I thought I had brain cancer then it'd be like POW! cured, operated.

Eric Dane aka Mark Sloane aka Dr. McSteamy

Shirtless? Yes, often in Grey's Anatomy he is shirtless. Like the perfect amount. Jk, the perfect amount would be all the time, am I right ladies? Am I right homosexual boys? Am I right boys who are man enough to say that they know that this guy is SEX ON A STICK! Plus if you wanted some new boobs, score! BOOM! Plastic Surgeon! Here's some more shirtless pictures of McSteamy:

Justin Chambers aka Alex Karev 

 He is such a dick hole, really he is. BUT THEN he gets ALL CUTE! Seriously. Sarah (my sister who doesn't cry) bawled like a girl on her period when Alex and Izzy got married. And then he was all singing to children and shit. We all secretly love the bad boys with no feelings the types that just takes the right woman to make him feel his feelings. Oh Alex.

Jesse Williams aka Dr. Jackson Avery

 Is it possible that he outshines both Mcdreamy and McSteamy? It's possible, you want to know why? He has the eyes of McDreamy:

And the Bod of McSteamy:

He may just outshine them... They just need to put that boy in a love story and I'll be set (perhaps he will, I'm not up to current Greys).

Anyways, I just wish I could find a hot doc so I wouldn't have to see them that much and they would take care of me and my hypochondriac of a sister, also doctors make a lot of money, and I like traveling. WOO!

Hot Dudess: Happy Birthday to the Zacs.

Well if you are a normal person, really your birthday is a sad thing, it's a step closer to your death and a step closer for you being old and ugly (unless you are one of those jerks who gets better looking as you age (guess what, if you live long enough there is no such thing as a sexy 80 year old)). If you aren't a normal person aka a celebrity, everyone cares that it's your birthday, because the day you were born you made the world like a million times better looking (and a million times worse because most people will never have sex with you).
October is the month of hotties named Zac: Zac Efron and Zac Hanson. YAY!

Zac Efron
There once was a time where you were a normal person, and yes, a little weird looking, but a little Disney project called High School Musical came out (and you fixed your weird teeth (it's his birthday so I'm not posting his weird looking phase K?)) and fame followed. And fame has done you well, real well.

Dear Mommy Efron: THANK YOU! Thank you thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for possibly ruining your bod to birth this man. Thank you! And Zac Efron, thank you for being alive and thank you for always having your shirt off lots of the time. Finding pictures of you with your shirt off is the easiest thing. And I like it. So happy birthday.

Zac Hanson

Oh Zac Hanson. Zac Hanson. You have the voice of a beautiful man angel that fell down from a place where hot people exist and are really talented and are really nice, probably. (I once sort of talked to him so I know. He also told my sister that my brother would probably save her if she was being attacked by a shark, which is a nice thing to say.)
He is proof that if you are a cute child then most likely you'll become an attractive adult.

WHAT A CUTE KID!
Now here he is as an adult:

Dear Mommy Hanson: THANK YOU! DEAR LORD THANK YOU! Man have you ever seen anyone pull of aviators with such grace? I haven't. He wins.

How does he know The Beatles and Hanson are both my weaknesses? He knows, and it kills me with hottness, KILLS ME! That Hair! That TALENT! HAPPY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY!
(interesting fact: his birthday is a day before mine, so that means... something I am sure.)

BIRTHED.

Hot Dudes: The Ones With the Brows.

Most of the time dudes have eyebrows. Unless you're this guy:

  

Eyebrows. Well I don't know how to explain the phenomenon. It's not the bushy brow, but sort of is. It's more like just "the brow". It's almost as if his eyebrows are waving at you but not, because that's creepy, but it's the feeling of that, in a good way. It seems that when someone has the brows that I speak of they also have those puppy dog eyes. Always melting your soul with those puppy dog eyes and those GD brows.  

Lee Pace

A little bushy yes, but that just makes him adorable. I figured it out! The brows make them look like they are listening to every word. They are the ears of the eyes.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan

DENNY! Oh Denny. I always say I wish a boy would love me like Denny loves Izzy. It's those eyebrows, so full of love.

 And then he cries. This may have nothing to do with his eyebrows, I just like it when guys cry and they have fantastic eyebrows. 

Robby from Milo Greene

Hello saucy brows. I've met you in person. You make me feel uncomfortable because you stare into my eyes and then I get nervous because those brows are burrowing into my eyes and it's awful.

Andrew Garfield 

That eye brow... ruffling, it's quizzical and puppy like. Frames to the windows of the soul.

Jake Gyllenhaul... (No idea how to spell that)

You would think those forehead wrinkles would make them old, but no, but NO, just good.

Robert Downy Jr., RobDownJ, RDJr. 

The brows. The End.

 

 

 

 

 

Hot Dudes: We love the 90's

I was  prepubescent in the 90's being born in the year 1990. THUS I could not appreciate all the 90's hotties as I can now. There is no such thing as a time machine, as I have discussed in an earlier blog post, but there is this thing called netflix. You stumble upon the weirdest movies/television shows, and you're like woah wait a second, this is a person that exists? And do they still exist? You look them up and you realize they don't really exist, and they most likely didn't age well because they aren't famous anymore. BUT that doesn't mean they weren't hot in the 90's because... YOU GET THE IDEA: WE ARE DISCUSSING HOTTIES OF THE 90'S OKAY?

The year 94', the television show: My So Called Life. The man (who actually is still famous and STILL SMOKIN HOT) Jared Leto.

OH DEAR GOD! Who could blame Clair Danes for being obsessed with him (she had to be in real life too, come ON) even if he was as dumb as a bag of dicks.... because that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. He was a musician too. DOUBLE YES.

And here he is today, still smokin like a pizza that fell off the pizza stone onto the very bottom of the oven and it's the frozen kind of pizza so it's like ice melting and the oven fills with smoke and then when you open the oven it fills your apartment and the fire alarm goes off and you are drunk and it's two in the morning and you have to open the door and wave a plate over the fire alarm, that kind of smokin'.


So I've been watching this TV show called *ahem* Dawson's Creek. Well let me tell you something: There are no hot people in that TV show until the effing SIXTH SEASON. Unless you count Dawson's dad, but he is more like a buthisface, that dad had A BOD! But alas, season six comes around and the casting director was like wait a second we can get actors that don't have huge foreheads or have a weird chin face? Let's do that.

Oliver Hudson 
He's a hottie, and he dates gross Joey (Katie Holmes BUGS, she has weird fingernails and pointy teeth and she smiles with her tongue sticking out, pukey). It's the hair, the cool colored eyes, and he has slightly disproportional front teeth that are really cute. He also reminds me of Rango for some reason... I think it's his lips, doesn't make him not hot though.

Interesting fact: Oliver Hudson stars in the tv show, Rules of Engagement. His fiance' in the TV show was BIANCA ON DAWSON'S CREEK (she was the slutty actress that for some reason liked to bang Dawson). They both got their start on Dawson's WEIRD.

Jensen Ackles

He at least dates Michelle Williams, who is the only super successful person in this television series. Good news ladies: it shows him without his shirt on sometimes.
He is also still famous on ANOTHER WB show called supernatural, but out-shined because he has short hair now and it gets trampled by his costar who has longer hair. Here's a picture of him without a shirt on:

I know what you are thinking: That's a cool bracelet he's wearing. And to that I would have to agree.

Here's Dawson with a 90's problem. 

Devon Sawa 

I don't know if any of you have watched a little movie called Casper, but if you haven't then you must have been born not in the 90's or just dumb. Remember when Casper turns into a real boy? That real boy is Devon Sawa and he made my prepubescent heart flutter like an eye twitch when you haven't slept well and have had too much coffee. He was also in other 90's jems such as: Now and Then, Wild America, And the two best movies of all, Idle Hands (where his hand becomes possessed and kills people), and Final Destination.

K so now that I look at him, not that hot but like I was eight or something, ps. He did not age well.

Jon Tay Tom aka Jonathan Taylor Thomas aka the boy with three first names.

Did anyone else just watch home improvement for him? The oldest one on that TV had ridiculous hair and the youngest one was always whining and was also weird looking. I don't know if you guys love Christmas as much as me but he was in that I'll Be Home for Christmas movie, that's when I loved him the most. I have no idea what happened to this guy.
THIS JUST IN: I read an article, he is a smartie pants and went to Harvard and is also really really short. 5'5", that's a little shorter than me, but I don't even care, still good looking.


I understand there are much more 90's hotties but for now that's all folks. Perhaps there will be a part DOS eventually.

Hot Dudes: Good Things That Can Go Wrong.

Sometimes really good things can go bad, for instance ice cream. It can be so delicious because it's ice cream and then sometimes it can go bad like if you leave it out to melt and refreeze it, or if you just get a crap flavor (for instance crap flavored ice cream would be gross). This is a metaphor for men doing things that I think are hot but can also go bad (like the ice cream situation).

Tattoos. 
No matter how much I try to deny it, I am all about the bad boy. Not really actually, just looking like a bad boy. Tattoos can be utterly attractive if done correctly like this:

Cool tattoos make you look artistic, even if you aren't. It also reminds people of pirates and pirates are sex. Then again there are SO MANY DOUCHEY TATTOOS.Sometimes it's in the form of a tribal symbol of a tribe you aren't from, or maybe it's a naked lady, or maybe it's just ugly. Here is one person who has every tattoo a person shouldn't have if you plan on not being a douche.

Ewe and he's wearing GD Ed Hardy, it makes this picture more accurate for what I'm trying to say.

Long (ish) hair. 

For some reason it seems when boys have gorgeous hair it's like GORGEOUS HAIR. It's not like the typical pretty hair, it's like OH I literally do nothing with my hair and it looks like I spent four hours making it wave perfectly like this. Oh and if I feel like throwing it back in a pony tail, it'll look EFFING awesome. Those lousy SOB's. Here's some examples of stupidly beautiful dude hair.

Feel free to email stoppedbelieving@gmail.com to thank her for this picture.

Sometimes you have gross hair that shouldn't be had at all on top of your head. That hair doesn't make you more manly... it's gross.

This kind of hair is never okay. NEVER OKAY. Even if your hair is really thick and you think it'd look all good and long and flowing, it doesn't.

Dudes Acting Cute With Babies.
The huge problem with being attracted to guys who are playing with children is: that the child is most likely their child, with a different person, who isn't you, who is close by. This is a problem that you can't do anything about unless you are into being a home wrecker.

Married. Damn.

Married and has like 1 million children. Damn.

OH crap that is cute, kissin' his kid and stuff. Married. Damn.

When Boys Cry for Appropriate Reasons in Movies. 
The moments I'm referring to... Emile Hirsch watching the horses in Into the Wild.

Oh man don't you just want to go cry about the horses with him? I do. I love a man who cries about seeing horses run in the wild. SOCIETY!

 The other moment is about when someone is dying in that movie where Zac Efron has sex with a ghost but it's so cute when he cries. Awe, he's so sensitive and stuff.

Crying makes people's eyes look prettier. I feel like I should always take pictures after a cry fest because I LOOK FABULOUS.
How this can go wrong? Well if a real man is always crying in real life all the GD time, well that is just annoying. (It's appropriate when seeing wild horses and when people die, and other things too but the list is too long to make and it'd be boring)




Anyways you should probably fallow this link because it's so WEIRD! I laughed and laughed and laughed.

http://popcrush.com/one-direction-aged-whos-the-hottest-senior-citizen-readers-poll/