I don't know about you but I was once a teenage female. And let me tell you, it was rough. You know what helps a young lady cope with your uterus leaking and having your body be out of proportion? Boy Bands. Here's how:
They have cute-ish faces.
They can't all be super babes or it would cause teenage girls to implode. For example the guys in the back row of new kids on the block (that's why they are in the back). You need some not cute guys to balance out the world.
There's always the shining star and then the rest are "eh".
Obviously the shining star is JT.
Here's the deal. There will always be those girls who claim to love the "eh" guys because it seems slightly more likely that they can marry them one day.
Hotties are most def Nick and Brian in Backstreet Boys.
I hate all of 98 degrees. BOO! What do they even sing? Nobody even knows.
I don't even know what is happening here. But teens eat this shit up. Harry is the cute one (also the best on twitter, not that I would know that.) I the rest have strange flaws like giant neck moles, weird teeth, troll hair, and earrings.
They Pretend They Like Normal Girls
Most girls are normal girls. I mean there are a few gorgeous girls and what not, but most humans are normal (unless of course, you are rich (then it normal people can become gorgeous people because they have the money to do so). The thing is, us normal girls like to think it is possible that a non-normal beautiful famous man would be in love with us. Boy bands like to trick girls into thinking that this could happen with them because of the lyrics of their songs that they don't write themselves. Girls eat this shit up case-in-point the movie Twilight.
Example: One Direction's song "What Makes You Beautiful"
Here are some lines from this song: Don't need make-up, To cover up, Being the way that you are is enough Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe You don't know, Oh oh, you don't know you're beautiful, Oh oh, That's what makes you beautiful.
Yeah one direction, I'm SURE that's what you're attracted to.
Example: Backstreet Boys "As Long As You Love Me"
I don't care who you are where you're from What you did As long as you love me.
So you pretty much they don't care who you are AS LONG as YOU love THEM.
Their Willingness to be Shirtless.
There is always one member of these boy bands that is always shirtless, and teenagers love shirtless men. LOVE THEM.
Howie was always the shirtless one in BSB, this music video scared me when it came out because I was like 8 and it was filled with wet body rolls for days.
I really don't know why these dudes go shirtless? Because really they look like tiny baby boy bodies.
I always thought 98 degrees sucked and I also thought they were too strong, who wants a dude who has bigger boobs than themselves.
Also teens love hairless bodies? They Have THE best dance moves.
That face changing technology is crazy advanced. Plus you can't go wrong with chair dance moves.
This could probably be the best thing I've ever seen ever, in my entire life.
OOOhhhh... those pleather outfits are HOTTT!!!! The moral of the story is: Boy bands drive chicks CRAZY! Crazy enough that they have entire scrapbooks dedicated to these boy bands. How do I know? because my sister was one of them.
If you were wondering. Those are a charm bracelet and pins with bsb faces, tattooes, and you can't really tell but that is a giant pencil to write in a bsb themed notebook.
Sometimes you think to yourself, man that man is pretty there couldn't be two of them or else the world would be unbalanced and would implode. That's sometimes true, there is only one kind of that dude, unless he has an identical twin or unless they are these actors who look like the same people.
Javier Bardem and Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Now if we're going to get all technical here we'd have to choose which one is better, right? Right. SOOOO Javier Bardem does have an accent, which is pretty sexy, plus he's been in award winning films... but then again he did have this hair:
Jeffrey Dean Morgan does have a good cry face and was Denny (for all you avid Grey's Anatomy watchers out there like me). And we got to see his bum in that ps. I love you. AND in the that movie he has an Irish accent and plays guitar.
WINNER?
I'm going to go with Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
Onto the next one
Ian Somerhalder and Kevin Zegers
I think it's unfair for someone to just have that blue of eyes but no, they both have stupidly beautiful squared jaws as well. But who wins?
Lets look at the candidates. Kevin Zegers is mostly not famous except for that movie where he is a teen aged prostitute turned into a porn star whose father wants his dick cutoff (because he wants to be a lady). But he is REALLY good looking.
Ian Somerhalder has been on such tv shows as: Lost (the guy who dies) and The Vampire Diaries (as the smooth side mouth talker vampire dude). Either way he's shirtless for many moments, SCORE.
So who wins? Ian, because he met grumpy cat, duh. (I found this out from US weekly 30 random facts (he wrote the list in a NYC cab! OMG!))
Taylor Hanson and Emile Hirsch
These two are proof that i definitely have a type, because these two on my top of hotties list, and they are slightly different versions of each other. I am a sucker for good looking faces, what can I say?
So who wins?
Sorry Emile but it has got to be Taylor because he's taller and writes beautiful music and is less hairy (but you do see Emile's wein in Woodstock if that's what you're into)
John Paul White and Johnny Depp
Here's the thing about humans who are attracted to attractive men, we all have a soft spot for piratey looking guys, if you don't have the soft spot then you probably aren't attracted to attractive men. Both of them have wicked cool tattoos and have that facial hair that is communicating that they may or may not have the ability to sail a pirate ship. So who wins? Well if I am going to be honest here I love John Paul. He has a combination name of the two best Beatles and plays guitar so well and stuff but I would get cyber bullied if I didn't have Johnny Depp win. Plus: He wins the pirate off. (he also plays music, hello, did you see him play with The Black Keys?)
So there it is, the Hotties who look like different hotties.
Sometimes you're old or a little bit weird looking and not what most people would call SUPER HOT. But then you are bad ass, or a really good crier, or you have a really good talking voice, or really bad ass... so in my eyes (and probably most people who read this blog's eyes) you become attractive. I only feel a little bit weird about it, but mostly really okay with it.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ DUH!
He's as old as my mum, so what who cares?
I don't care that he's as old as my mum he is so bad ass! I would totally just be in love with him forever if he would be into that. And have you seen that amazing beard? Look at it. WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!? I don't know how many of you have seen Django, but this man stole the show. All of you nod in agreement because he won an Oscar you dumb dumbs.
He also has this amazing voice (Austrian accent) LOVE IT! Also he hosted SNL! God Damn Fred Armison getting to get some from my Christoph and he probably just takes it for granted.
Thank you to the tumblr who made this gif, it's too good. TOO GOOD! I don't think it's strange that I think he's attractive (my mom now has a new found crush because I showed her him today), but some people might think it's weird.
Daryl from The Walking Dead.
Yeah he's a dirty redneck but he's also SO BAD ASS! He drives an vintage motorcycle, has crossbow skills and looks for little children who are most likely zombies. So what he's related to that gross one armed guy who everyone hates? I am kind of disappointed that he wants to bang the grandma looking lady but it's kind of cute, like when he finds her and stuff. Anyways I think everyone will hate The Walking Dead if Daryl dies, I will. Maybe he's dead already but I haven't been able to watch the new season, I AM POOR K GUYS!
Tate from American Horror Story.
Three words: good at crying.
Yeah he murdered people in high school but it is mostly his mothers fault (because she is a crazy bitch). Yeah he impregnated his love of his (dead) life's mother but that was BEFORE he knew her! DUH! I mean, come on guys, he almost murdered that one skateboard kid so Violet didn't have to be alone. HE HAS CHANGED! I would forgive him if I was Violet because now her mom is dead because of giving birth to his demon baby and now she has her mom to keep her company in the ghost world. If you haven't watched American Horror Story I just ruined for you. I just think he's so cute.
Plus he's from 1994, and I now am into grunge, so that helps.
Anyways, there are some more people I am strangely attracted to. LETS NOT PRETEND THAT IT'S THAT STRANGE THESE DUDES ARE ATTRACTIVE!
I hate cute people. I hate cute people when they are
coupled into a stupidly cute couple, I hate it more when they have a well dressed baby. Anyways... I don't really hate them, I hate that I am not them. It's called being single around Valentine's Day and all you want is a man to buy those hilarious chicken nugget boxers for.... OR these weird laser bear boxers, or these weird burger boxers (I couldn't find the nugget one, it was hilarious, BELIEVE YOU ME!)
YOU CAN'T BUY WEIRD BOXERS FOR SOMEONE WHO ISN'T YOUR BOYFRIEND!
So if you are like me and have nobody to buy weird boxers for here are some ideas to take up your time on the day of love.
1. Make your own solo version of the Harlem Shake.
After this, you realize how stupid you look because you are alone in this world.
DUMB.
2. Make a Better Life for yourself on The Sims.
On the Sims you can be super buff without doing anything, and somehow learn to be a professional chef in like 2 days. You can also be married to whoever you can have enough patience to create ( I always try to make them look like famous people so I know what our future children will look like... oh wait, no that 's not me (ps. I lose patience after hairstyles)). Who are we all kidding though right? We all create super whores and see how many neighborhood families we can destroy, at least that's what I do on the Sims. Anyways, who doesn't love destroying families on Valentines day?
3. Go on a date with your cardboard cutout man.
We both dressed up and I fed him gummy worms (I don't think he liked it).
4. Cry
You know what? I think most of the time, after I have a little weep my eyes look WAY bluer and my eye makeup always somehow looks better. I see crying as a viable option for V day... then take pictures of your face and put them all over instagram.
5. Rent movies with Hot Dudes and Eat Chocolate.
Here are some movies that will make you feel really depressed on V day:
The Notebook.
and any other Ryan Gosling, Zac Efron, Brad Pitt, Gael Garcia movie or just any movie with a love story and good looking man , even the stupid ones will probably make you depressed because Hollywood likes to make you feel like dying, proof?
Tomorrow Safe Haven (the new Nicholas Spark's movie) is being released. AND I AM GOING TO GO SEE THE SHIT OUT OF IT!
6. Buy yourself lingerie and take pictures of yourself and "accidentally" send it to all your single male contacts in your phone.
Some say: He's hot, who cares? Those people are dumb. You should care. Here's some good information: dudes are hot partially because they don't do stupid things, doing dumb things makes a hot guy unhot (okay there are some exceptions, but those exceptions are for celebrities only).
Be Pretentious about Music.
Let me tell you a little secret: Everyone in the world thinks their taste in music is the best. Trying to force feed your music down my throat with facts about how your music is proven to be of higher quality than mine still is NOT GOING to convince me that it's better. Oh you heard that band before they "sold out"? Although I don't give a horse shit you are probably going to try to prove to me that it's true with exact dates and random facts that I really don't feel like hearing. And seriously if you touch my GOD DAMN PLAYLIST I made for this party or whatever I will have the STRONG DESIRE to rip your throat out right out of your neck. I MAKE PHENOMENAL PLAYLISTS YOU DICK WEASEL. I really don't care you think I'm the worst because I love getting down to Beyonce', how could I not with an ass like mine.
That's my ass... Can you blame me for loving Beyonce'? No, you can't.
Loud Chewers.
Either eat quieter food OR LEARN TO EAT! Sometimes it's like your mouth is a really long cave and people are throwing rocks all up in there, so many echoing rocks ricocheting off the walls, and I hate it. I HATE IT! It's mostly when I'm PMS-ing, or when I'm trying to watch my shows.. which is every time I'm eating. Sometimes I get if you have to mouth breath because you are sick or your food is hot and you're impatient but just eat your food in a different room, okay? (also I eat like an animal but I don't hear my own chewing so it doesn't bother me) (hypocrite? that's my middle name losers)
(I'm not sure exactly what this person is eating but I can't imagine this person eating it quietly).
People Who say that SNL isn't Funny Anymore.
People who say SNL isn't funny anymore are the people who don't watch it but don't want to admit it. STUPID PEOPLE! It's like those people who say they love Regina Spektor and then you put her on and then they go "Ewe what is this?" You don't know anything because you are lying to yourself and me.
WATCH THIS:
Yeah you laughed, you know it.
Thinking that you are Smarter than Everyone.
I don't care if you are smarter than me but when you care that you are smarter me, it bothers me. I say dumb things on purpose (sometimes) because it's funny, when you take it too seriously and laugh at it for the wrong reasons (because you think you I'm dumb) the likelihood of me disliking you is high. If I have to google words that you text me that means you are trying WAY TOO HARD. I am not that dumb, I have a great vocabulary, I use the word befuddled every once and awhile. People who think they are smarter than everyone obviously take life too seriously, and most likely don't like laughing.
Okay but honestly I wouldn't care if Ryan Gosling thought I was dumb. For instance, I have no idea what that means and I would just say... "Okay."
I don't know about you, but I wasn't born in the 80's. I'm not going to lie, that decade was full of regular looking people. It may have to do with ill fitting clothing and bad hair and all that stuff, BUT there were a few dudes that stood out, even with the grotesque-ness of the 80's. (I seriously feel bad for those of you that were in adolescence back then (although I was 10 in year 2000 and I wore entire pleather outfit (don't worry my entire family forced me to stop by bullying me))).
Here are some people who did not make the sexy list.
Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon is weird looking. First of all did his hair dressers make him blow dry his hair while doing a hand stand because that hair just sticks up for days. Second of all the movie "Footloose" where he dances in the warehouse because he is angry. That was really unattractive... and I love dancing. Third of all the movie "Tremors". I'm not going to lie... I love the shit out of that movie because it's so white trash and awful. Fourth of all and most of all: his unattractive face. End of Discussion.
All The Guys in the "Brat Pack" except Rob Lowe.
Seriously how did they all get in so many movies?
Emilio Estevez is related to Charlie Sheen so there has to be something wrong with him. Who took this picture? What's up with this horrible angle? PLUS if you are famous you should only take off your shirt for pictures when you have a celebrity bod, not an average man bod. Rich people have no excuses to have average bodies. IT'S YOUR JOB
Now to be fair he always the nerd in the movies. But then they pulled a fast one on you in Edward Scissor Hands and try to make him attractive but we all would rather have a scarred up Johnny. COME ON! I think he was in something creepy because his grown up face gives me the creeps.
Here Andrew Mccarthy We are going to put you in clothes with MAJOR shoulder pads... well because you actually look like a 12 year old. Also, Do you even have an upper lip. (low blow... low blow)
This guy, Well I just don't like him at all. I think it mostly has to do with how much his character sucked in The Breakfast Club. ARGUE WITH ME IF YOU WANT! Jk Don't, because I don't care.
THE HOT DUDES OF THE 80's
Rob Lowe
Oh crap, now there's a good looking fellow. I'd say he's probably the Zac Efron of the 80's except he get WAY MORE NAKED in movies. Like the one with Demi Moore where they are just naked like 60% of the movie. I remember because I watched it edited and it was like watching a movie when you're blind without having glasses on (it was on cable... not the naughty cable, the other kind).
Here's a nice glistening picture of him. Score! He's still famous and that's because when you're this good looking young, you continue to be good looking until you are old.
John Stamos
You know the best thing about Full House? Uncle Jessie and the phrase "How Rude" but mostly Uncle Jessie. He even looked good with a mullet.
Nobody even cares that you have a mullet because you are so hot. And GOD DAMN your fictional bowl cut twins were just adorbs. And he was like all cute with children...what a prize the 80's had... and actually that we still have... because he's still hot. Also I think everyone should do themselves a solid and google John Stamos's bellybutton, that shit is weird.
Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp is just an EPIC man. Literally has an EPIC movie in every decade. I think he may just be super human. I mean is it possible to be as epic as him? I think not. Seriously he is 50 years old and it's not like "oh he still looks good for his age" NO! It's like you still want him as much as you did when he was in the 80's. Celebrities and their magic.
Seriously? Seriously.
Jon Bon Jovi
I'm sorry but he may be the only good looking butt rocker in the world.
Listen, he married his high school sweetheart and that is probably hard for a musician especially a butt rocker... I think they are the ones that probably have the sluttiest girls thrown at them. Number 2 reason the song "Livin' on a Prayer" got me through a really long torturous hike every time I asked my dad how much longer he'd say "we're half way there" and then I'd sing LIVIN ON A PRAYER (my dad was a god damn liar every time he said that).
Matt Dillon
I don't know if you recall my blog post about eyebrows but here's a forgotten soul on that shit. He got some nice brows. Plus he looks like a bad boy with the leather and sweat and ciggy, and all us ladies want is a guy to want to punch things for us and do things that make us worry about their lives.
80's Cutie: Ralph Macchio
Ain't he just the cutest darn thing you've ever seen? Plus I think he's probably the most epic 80's actor. HELL TO THE O KARATE KID! THE OUTSIDERS! Interesting fact... yes Ralph Macchio looks like a child but did you know he was actually 23 when he filmed Karate Kid?
Also there's this. Which makes me like him more.
Although I wasn't born in the 80's that doesn't mean I can't like the men in that decade.
